just can't wait to get on the road again

Dear Vroom Vroom Guy,

Seriously, vroom vroom-ing while going 25MPH behind a Greyhound in the Lincoln Tunnel?

And the Baltimore Orioles? Really? If you could hear what I was saying in my car, you'd know that New Jersey plates surrounded by an Orioles plate-pretty makes you the saddest man ever. Also, a plate-pretty? Stop it.

In other news, we thought you might be a woman. Just so you know.

Your friend,
Jane

***

Dear Cabdriver,

You know who you are, the guy who doesn't know the rules of the road who almost killed us with a moronic cut off on East Houston and Avenue A last night. Remember me, the girl in the passenger seat of the Charger with Jersey plates (rental) screaming at you to "JUST F-ING GO ALREADY" — while wildly pointing in the direction that you needed to go — when you decided you wanted block traffic in order to stop and stare at us (what?) and then flip me off.

Flip me off? Oh, sir. You are so lucky. You are lucky that I so effectively suppress my crazy. For if I had chosen that moment to have my inaugural lapse, I'd have jumped out of the car, opened your door, thrown you on the street and stepped on your neck before setting your beard on fire. Because that is what I did in my mind.

YOU DON'T WANT IT WITH ME!

I know you thought you could intimidate us with your voodoo stare because we were two girls in the front seat. Don't let appearances fool you. Next time, you could pull that trick on two girls with a shotgun between them. I'm just saying.

Also, you may want to consider trimming the beard a bit. Between your eyebrows, hat(I think?) and the beard that starts a centimeter below your eyes (and not in an adorable Matt Cullen way), no wonder you can't drive — you can't see!

Hope that helps,
Jane

good things are fantastic

In the interest of improving your life with my inane thoughts, I've decided to post far too frequently for as long as I can keep it up. Because why not?

In that vein, I don't believe that I have introduced my star system of grading. It's quite simple, like all great things. Things that are great (a la — and including — Alec Baldwin's Tony Bennett) get five stars. All other things get zero stars.

Two examples from this morning:

• My Black Ice Chai (it's a chai latte, with shots of espresso, from this lovely local cafe) gets five stars.
• Dollie also gets five stars for trekking there to get it, and waking me up at 9:40 to drink it (oh, I will miss this luxury!)
• On the other hand, El Fano's news that he can't go shopping with us on Saturday because he has to help his office move (seriously, how CHEAP ARE THESE MOTHERF-ERS!) gets zero stars.

Get it? Got it? Good.

it's a living thing

I responded to what I thought was a promising apartment rental post on Craigslist, and heard back from some dude who wanted me to wire $950 to London. Yeah, I'll get right on that.

What I might as well do is list here what I do want. It's about as useful as trolling Craigslist for no-fees, right?

Seeking 3-bedroom apartment with exclusive backyard or roof deck access. Big rooms, eat-in-kitchen, lots of light and closets. Cats and small dogs OK. Rents for < $2000. No fee.

Will also take 2 bedroom under the right circumstances (desired neighborhood, <$1500). Or two 1-bedrooms (under $750 each) located in the same building (same floor preferred). January 15 move-in date.

Wish me luck!

feeling like an orchid

I could be accused of serving just to serve, and I apologize in advance for my poor humor, but I have to call out this New York Vulture interview with some 21-year-old goof from a pretty lame band.

Like "The Hills," this interview with Zach Condon makes me so glad I'm not 21, but unlike "The Hills," it isn't even fun.

Key points that made my eyes roll out of my head:

• Living among Hasidm in "South Williamsburg" makes him feel like he's in "an entirely different country"
• the "guilty pleasure" question on the whole — can't blame the kid for that one, but he does get daggers for "even Bruce Springsteen" answer. Oh even him, hmm?
• And, of course, "I'm an old man at heart."

I'm sure this Beirut fellow is a nice boy — though I've been hating the band's name since I first heard it — but this interview makes me want to throw tomatoes.

my dick need no introduction

Have I mentioned my obsession with "Big Brother"? Well, I am obsessed with "Big Brother," more this season than any other (mainly due to my free time, I'd imagine), and tonight, my favorite player won! (Well, my favorite player after pretty Nick left.) Hooray!

going blank again

Brett Somers died Saturday. I didn't know.

Where was her tribute on the Emmys? Did no one know until today? I'm devastated, of course. She is one of my heroes.

One time, I went to see Charles Nelson Reilly's "Life of Reilly" stage show, and Brett Somers sat near me in the audience, and I nearly fainted of excitement.

I will miss them both.

waiting for something to break

A couple of weeks back, I had a job interview that featured some of the standard job interview questions. One was, "What is your dream job?" The position I was there for — or at least the building that the position was in — came pretty close, I thought. At least until I can retire and be a feisty old lady who owns a bar.

But what David Chase reminded me during his Emmy acceptance speech last night, and what I thought of again this morning as I started up the season finale of "Rescue Me" and the Lemonheads' "My Drug Buddy" opened the show, is that my actual dream job (does this job even really exist?) is to pick the songs to play over TV shows and movie scenes, crucial montages especially.

This is probably only a part-time gig that I could still do while holding down a full-time job. So yes, I'm available for that immediately and forever.

And here's "Rudderless." It's not "My Drug Buddy" — it's better.

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don't answer me

News anchor: ... and something something rugby rage.

Me: Dollie, I think I have rugby rage.

Dollie: I would not be surprised.

Me: Huh? What is that supposed to mean?!

Dollie: I don't know. It just seemed like the only appropriate response.

it's not a f-ing school play production

These were my first VMAs as a civilian since 1999.

What did I think? Well, I can't remember much, as I am a teeny bit drunk (I don't know how many Ginger-Pear Explosions I had — seriously, we need a real name for these drinks. I invented them during the NHL playoffs to take the edge off. They feature Absolute Pears, fresh ginger, lime and ginger ale — but it was more than three). But I do know that Britney Spears was terrible (WAKE UP, snoozy!), Fall Out Boy looked terrible (though I do love them lately, for some reason) and Gym Class Heroes winning ANYTHING is beyond terrible. Someday, when I am confident that I can do it while keeping my blood pressure in a safe range, I will explain every single thing that is wrong with their despicable "Clothes Off."

But yeah, Chris Brown is pretty great, Nelly Furtado seemed insanely drunk, Sarah Silverman said something that made me laugh for the FIRST TIME EVER (no idea what it was now), and I can't stop loving Linkin Park. Or Rihanna.

In wedding news (What wedding? Who knows?!) no one had on a look that I wanted to emulate for my wedding — like J. Lo rocked before — but I did enjoy Alicia Keys' appropriation of George Michael's "Freedom '90," which I will surely play (the real thing, I mean) at my wedding. The song takes you on a dance journey. Plus "I don't belong to you, and you don't belong to me" is too right-on to pass up.

OK, also, where the bleep was Fabrice Fabrice?

So yeah, I watched closely, from the 8PM pre-show to Sway's delightful 11:17ish sign off. When it was all over, I went back to my new non-reality, that which I know and love. "Flight of the Conchords," of course.

our love goes under the knife

Idolator tells me that Charlotte Gainsbourg had surgery for a brain hemorrhage today. This reminds me that I should show you "The Operation," in case you've missed it.

Is that incredibly tasteless? Probably. It isn't meant to be. It's just that reading news about her reminded me that I have neglected to note that I love her — her songs, her hair (obviously), her face, her way. Jarvis Cocker wrote almost every song on 5:55 (Air and Neil Hannon worked on it too). That helps explain why I like it so much, but I like it more than Jarvis' solo album, so clearly Charlotte herself is a big part of the greatness. Anyway, here's "The Operation." Love it.

just another day

On Monday, I asked Dollie, "Whoa, are the VMAs this weekend?"

They are. September 9. Sunday. It's a date that would be chiseled into my brain, leaving permanent damage, a day that would be my only focus had I not done something crazy on May 9. (That'd be announcing my resignation, for those of you who missed the memo.)

For real, MTV, I watch "The Hills," "The Real World," "Newport Harbor" and the odd "Engaged & Underage" — if I worked there until July, continue to watch the channel AND STILL don't know when the VMAs are, the promos are lacking.

But anyway, I'm free on Sunday night!

2000. 2001. 2002. 2003. 2004. 2005. 2006 — I know where I was (1515, 770, home in front of the computer) and what I was doing (working hard, crying, laughing, yelling).

For the first time in a very long time, I will enjoy the show (I think. I'm not even sure who's performing or who's up for prizes) as a spectator. And I'm having a party.

'sofa king hot'

It's the first day back at work after a lovely long weekend for many, and if you need a boost, I recommend, as ever, Crunk + Disorderly.

Fresh had me laughing out loud twice in a row just now, due to her assessment of Richard Williams' dangerously "hot steps" and the "I vote Lloyd Banks"/"I still have every intention of backing Kenny Chesney" rip on 50 Cent. The woman is a genius.

please leave those poor sick monkeys alone

I love "Flight of the Conchords," the HBO show. And I love Flight of the Conchords, the act — though it took creating a sitcom around the songs for me to truly appreciate lines like "They're turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers/ But what's the real cost 'cause the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper" (Love it for yourself!)

Bret and Jemaine are both lovely and amazing, but I am crazy about only one. The funny thing is that everyone I know has been able to guess which one. I am afraid to ask why.

It is Jemaine ("of course," you may be saying, if you know me.)

And here is a picture of him laughing and wearing a magnificent shirt.

It looks like it is from a party. I wasn't at that party. Instead I took the photo from Jemaine.com.

What is the point of all of this? Well, none really. Except the last episode of the show is on in about 15 minutes, and I'm already sad that it's all over (until next year). Yes, I've already watched the first 11 episodes several times each. If you have another suggestion to ease my wonderful pain (while I wait for "Eagle Vs. Shark" to either return to NY or hit DVD), I'm all ears.