it's not a f-ing school play production

These were my first VMAs as a civilian since 1999.

What did I think? Well, I can't remember much, as I am a teeny bit drunk (I don't know how many Ginger-Pear Explosions I had — seriously, we need a real name for these drinks. I invented them during the NHL playoffs to take the edge off. They feature Absolute Pears, fresh ginger, lime and ginger ale — but it was more than three). But I do know that Britney Spears was terrible (WAKE UP, snoozy!), Fall Out Boy looked terrible (though I do love them lately, for some reason) and Gym Class Heroes winning ANYTHING is beyond terrible. Someday, when I am confident that I can do it while keeping my blood pressure in a safe range, I will explain every single thing that is wrong with their despicable "Clothes Off."

But yeah, Chris Brown is pretty great, Nelly Furtado seemed insanely drunk, Sarah Silverman said something that made me laugh for the FIRST TIME EVER (no idea what it was now), and I can't stop loving Linkin Park. Or Rihanna.

In wedding news (What wedding? Who knows?!) no one had on a look that I wanted to emulate for my wedding — like J. Lo rocked before — but I did enjoy Alicia Keys' appropriation of George Michael's "Freedom '90," which I will surely play (the real thing, I mean) at my wedding. The song takes you on a dance journey. Plus "I don't belong to you, and you don't belong to me" is too right-on to pass up.

OK, also, where the bleep was Fabrice Fabrice?

So yeah, I watched closely, from the 8PM pre-show to Sway's delightful 11:17ish sign off. When it was all over, I went back to my new non-reality, that which I know and love. "Flight of the Conchords," of course.