just can't wait to get on the road again

Dear Vroom Vroom Guy,

Seriously, vroom vroom-ing while going 25MPH behind a Greyhound in the Lincoln Tunnel?

And the Baltimore Orioles? Really? If you could hear what I was saying in my car, you'd know that New Jersey plates surrounded by an Orioles plate-pretty makes you the saddest man ever. Also, a plate-pretty? Stop it.

In other news, we thought you might be a woman. Just so you know.

Your friend,
Jane

***

Dear Cabdriver,

You know who you are, the guy who doesn't know the rules of the road who almost killed us with a moronic cut off on East Houston and Avenue A last night. Remember me, the girl in the passenger seat of the Charger with Jersey plates (rental) screaming at you to "JUST F-ING GO ALREADY" — while wildly pointing in the direction that you needed to go — when you decided you wanted block traffic in order to stop and stare at us (what?) and then flip me off.

Flip me off? Oh, sir. You are so lucky. You are lucky that I so effectively suppress my crazy. For if I had chosen that moment to have my inaugural lapse, I'd have jumped out of the car, opened your door, thrown you on the street and stepped on your neck before setting your beard on fire. Because that is what I did in my mind.

YOU DON'T WANT IT WITH ME!

I know you thought you could intimidate us with your voodoo stare because we were two girls in the front seat. Don't let appearances fool you. Next time, you could pull that trick on two girls with a shotgun between them. I'm just saying.

Also, you may want to consider trimming the beard a bit. Between your eyebrows, hat(I think?) and the beard that starts a centimeter below your eyes (and not in an adorable Matt Cullen way), no wonder you can't drive — you can't see!

Hope that helps,
Jane