the saddest handle that I know

PS Again

Someone keeps getting to my website by searching on "Ding Dong You're Wrong Plaskett." Repeatedly. I don't understand. UNLESS! Joel Plaskett had a baby and named it Ding Dong You're Wrong?! Man, first he wears the shirt, then this? What a guy.

I'm not crazy! You're the one who's crazy!

Dear People Who Sat Behind Me During Tarnation Tonight And Giggled Through The Whole Movie,

Fuck Off.

Love*jane

PS You know, having such an inappropriate reaction seems pretty mentally ill to me. So ha.

Also, I had no idea they lived in Greenpoint! That was exciting.

I won't worry my life away

You know you're having a bad day when you keep getting Jason Mraz stuck in your head. Mraz, ugh. What a bad name. I don't even like that song! Also, when did I hear it recently to get it stuck? I blame "Laguna Beach."

How anticlimactic was the Red Sox win? I feel sorry for them, actually. I mean, good for the fans and the team for the win, but what a bore. You'd think after 86 years, they'd have earned some drama. Or maybe they'd had their fill, and a nice easy victory was more to their liking. Whatever. I prefer suspense. In sports.

I'm in an absolute panic about this damn election. It's making me sick, and so I must look ahead. Far ahead. I can't decide if my dream 2008/2012/ever, whatever ticket is Schumer/Stewart or Schumer/Abrams. Smart, eloquent, foxy and incredibly effective. What more do you want?

Ooh, and when Schumer becomes the president, I can whip out the Congressional Medal of Awesome* he gave me at my HS graduation. You know I almost fainted, even then.

*or something

take control of having what you want around you

I know I'm not totally old yet, for while I am finding it impossible to get to sleep lately, I am butt tired when I get up, unlike older folk, many of whom seem totally satisfied with four hours of sleep. What? I can't even imagine.

My birthday was so magic. First I went away and lost tons of money and had fun with my family. There was dancing and drinking and gambling and shopping and presents! Then I came home to more presents — and balloons and chai and cake!

I won't list my presents, lest you get so jealous you can't carry on in your day. Then I got my hair cut, finally, and then I tried to go to dinner, but the bastardly place I'd chosen was playing a baseball game. Are you kidding me? Well, they weren't kidding, were they, so we went to Black Betty, a great place to hide from baseball. They let us sit in the bar and eat, which was fantastic as you have much more room, and can be really loud. That was excellent, and just what we needed.

Then we went to Supreme Trading, but everyone looked to be 22 and magically imported from a bar on the Upper East Side, so we left and went to the Abbey, which was heated to be somewhere between 90 and 126 degrees and full of aural punishments that I didn't deserve. I have never heard worse music coming out of a jukebox ever in my entire life. This was not working for me, but I gave it a 90-minute effort because bartender Joe is just that sweet.

Then we went to Mugs, which I've walked past for seven years and never went in. It was good. We got a table, they didn't play horrible music, and everyone got to hear stories of my family's battles with wildlife. This included the infamous, "Something is on your shoulder, and I'm pretty sure it's a frog leg" slug debacle, as well as an explanation of why I instinctively jump on furniture, scream and call people when something living is in my house that I didn't invite, such as a mouse. It's inborn, you see.

Then I came home and tried to watch TV even though it was 3AM. I went to bed soon after, attempted to read the Enquirer, failed and woke up at 11:30, getting a good solid 8-hour sleep in preparation for a day of sitting around and watching TV. I did not leave the house once on my own private Boxing Day. It was great.

you had it once but now it's gone

Setup: Standard Sunday night at home
Prop: obscene amount of e.l.f. lipgloss
Quote of the night: "You're ready for anything with lips like those."
Hilarity ensues.

Birthday was most excellent, thanks. More later.

sometimes I find myself losing count

How come that whenever I look at the clock, it is 2:10? I swear, I see it twice a day. And it only even exists twice a day! It's like I have a magnetic charge to my unlucky number. I think it is a curse! Arrr!

Today I had pastina, which was pretty exciting, as I've been dying for it for a long time. That's pretty stupid, since you can just buy it in any supermarket, cook it for four minutes, throw in a piece of butter and some pepper and whoops, you got pastina. But I never remember to pick it up. Anyway, it was delightful. I like how on the Ronzoni site it says, "Infants often eat this as is, but grownups eat it in soup." Everyone knows it is wasted in soup. Infantile? So be it.

And on that note, I finally today, when watching a rerun of "Chappelle's Show" when RZA and Clan are drafted into the Asian race and he says Ol' Dirty's new name is Ol' Dirty Chinese Restaurant, remembered to look up and score "Ohh, We Love You, Rakeem" from Prince Rakeem, aka RZA. For like 13 years now I've been loving that song, and for like 11 years now I've been saying to anyone who will listen, "RZA acts like he's all that, meanwhile I know he made that goofy song with the stupid video they played on The Box. PS I loved it." I only ever looked it up to confirm tonight. I wondered if I was afraid I was wrong, or if I was so sure I was right that I didn't need to check? Either way, I was right. So there.

looking for a new (new) england

Dear Boston Red Sox,

Congratulations! I still don't like you (Schilling, I'm looking at you, bitch), but I am very happy for you. You must be very proud of your accomplishments. Coming back from three down -- and the first team to do that ever. Your first pennant since 1986, and your first post-season series victory against the Yankees. These are all such exciting victories.

Now that you're on top and feeling good, can we drop the "curse" nonsense. Voodoo, santeria, old dead fat guys had nothing to do with it, loves. You weren't good enough for a long time, and now you are. You are awesome! Take ownership of your awesomeness, own up to the fact that you just didn't have it before, and beat the crap out of the Astros if they win. If the Cardinals win, well, lose.

love*jane

PS Haircuts all around!

PPS to fans: It's time to kill the "Yankees Suck" cheer at hockey games, rock shows, crosswalks, etc. It's totally nonsequiter, and now that you've beat them, why not admit that you had to be fantastic to do it? We'll respect you more if you define yourselves as Red Sox fans for Red Sox's sake, rather than some anti-Yankees nonsense.

PPPS: As a Met fan, I've put up with more Yankee-fan taunts than you could dream of, right up in my face. We hate that team for breathing our air, for soiling our city with smugness, not for beating us (which is a relatively new -- and totally inconsistent -- thing). Yankee hating? We've owned that since '62.

PPPPS Speaking of THAT, can we also agree that Bill Buckner didn't lose four games for you? Just that one out, remember? Thanks.

PPPPPS Man, if Yankees fans don't smack all the Boston fans in town, they are better than me. Ooh, other team fans in your stadium, that is really irritating. Although, they interview Yankee fans on TV, and they are like, "Well, they will be great next year." Man, I'd be like, "THEY TOTALLY BLEW! Fuck YOU A-ROD!!" And the FCC would be hunting me down. But maybe that is just because I hate the Yankees? Who can say.

I missed my chance, but I think I'm gonna get another

Only three more days of 28 left. Good riddance, I say. I haven't been keeping close count, but I'm almost certain that zero good things happened since I turned 28. 29, now that is going to be hot. My 30th year. Yes, sir.

My awesome birthday plan of going to a bunch of bars I've never been to and ending up in a bar I've been to but am not crazy about is a trial by fire. It could go horribly wrong, but I'm going to put my faith in the powers of 29 and see what happens.

And before that, I will be out of town, which will make this my first birthday in a long while that I am with my family. I remember the first birthday that I wasn't with my family, I think it was 19. Waking up in a house that wasn't my mom's on my birthday, that was a bad feeling. I got over it, but I am glad to be with them this time. I will be with them during the day, and then with my wife and my husband and my friends at night. It's a good plan.

Jesus Lord. My 19th birthday was 10 years ago. Am I officially old enough now to whine about being old? Because it feels like it's time.

got a lot of attitude for someone going out of style

I was supposed to go to three rock shows this weekend. I made only one of them. Sad. The one was boundlessly excellent, though. Danko Jones sure knows how to rock. I'm supposed to make another rock show tonight. I'm not looking forward to venturing out in this yucky, rainy, dark-at-11AM weather, but I don't really have much else to do all day, so I have no excuse. UPDATE: It's been cancelled! Oh man.

I went shopping on Saturday and bought new Sauconys and a new jacket and sheets and chai, mostly. I love those things. I also love to show everyone these things, but I can't find any of them online (that's outlet malls for you, tons of untrackable merchandise) except the sheets. I got the blue ones. An extra 40% off all PB Teen bedding, thank you very much.

I need to get moving on my show return. I was looking through old files on the new computer yesterday, and I found a TXT file of titles from one episode in early 2001. I guess I used to type the titles into Notepad before I put them in the video editor. What I found made me realize a) I am awesome, b) I am an idiot and c) I am very excited to be on TV again.

meet the fan
back in '96, he was just like you,
sitting watching ding dong... you're wrong
taking notes,
allowing the wisdom given on the program to guide his life
now, he accompanies me on winter weekend excursions to the beach and springtime jaunts to the great white north.
How's that for progress?
ding dong... you're wrong
when the cold world calls you an obsessed maniac,
we call you friend

get it, girl -- you know what you love

Here's the part I don't get. Or maybe it's the part they don't get? Am I being too hopeful with that one? Likely.

When John Kerry mentions Dick Cheney's gay daughter and people everywhere gasp like it's a cold diss (this is what the reporters told me last night), what exactly is the diss? See, I thought he was just saying, "We all know gays. Many of us have gays in our family. Do you really think they are choosing such a difficult path? And how to you explain to them that an amendment that takes away rights is fair?" But it seems like everyone else heard, "Eew, your running mate's daughter is a lesbian." and responded, "Oh snap!"

So, again, either everyone in political commentary is so stupid they didn't realize they were in essence saying Kerry shouldn't have brought up a personally "shameful" issue (really, that is what they were reacting to), or they don't mind being on record as saying that. Either way, not one person (not even Ron Reagan, who I can usually count on for some good old liberal, "Hey now!") said, "Um, guys? I think you're sending the wrong message here. If you're saying that Kerry's mention of someone being gay is an inappropriate below-the-belt hit, you're saying homosexuality is something to be ashamed of." They can't all think that. Can they?

a child unlike other girls

I don't know how my brother found this amazing thing, but I'm going to assume it just came to him, as if he were a "whoa" magnet. His commentary, "Wow. This is unreal," is all you need, I think. I was wowed.

shut it up now

"I'm not sure I can think of any scenario more enjoyable than making 55,000 people from New York shut up," said Boston's Curt Schilling.

I had to watch that ugly motherfucker say this over and over again all morning on the news. Like I didn't hate the Red Sox enough already, this butt has to call out ALL New Yorkers. He could have said "Yankee fans," but he didn't. Ass. And so he gets my wrath. And as is the case with an oddly high number of things/people I denounce (yes, it has gone straight to my head), bad things happened to him. I hear that he gave up six runs in three innings and got yanked. I hope there was plenty of yelling for him. May he never enjoy a moment of NY silence.

I think it's gonna be a good show

Nine years ago last week, "Ding Dong... You're Wrong" debuted. Who knew where it would take me? I could tell you all the friends I made, bands I met and things I did that I never thought I would all because of the show, but who has time for that? Let's just say that without it, I'm nothing.

Three years ago last month, the final episode aired. It wasn't meant to be the final episode, but it worked out that way. It was unedited footage of a Deadly Snakes show, that crazy one at Manitoba's. If I knew it would be the very last show, I'd have made a little more fanfare. Or, you know, edited it.

That's no way to go out. Maybe it took me three years to really figure that out, but I always knew it was true. And so, my vague plan to have a 10th anniversary DDYW special is off. The new plan? A 10th anniversary season. We're going to begin airing in early 2005, and we're going to do our damndest to get Brooklyn and Manhattan airtime.

I was a little more excited about this before I opened the bills I've been putting off and learned I owe cable and ConEd a combined total of $521.42. But I will not let that get me down! After all, I have lots of possessions to sell on eBay. And that way, if I ever move, it will be that much less to pack.

like a broken record

You know, if I had a sip of alcohol every time they said "register" or "vote" on tonight's very special "7th Heaven," I'd be in a coma by now. And it's only 8:30! And I missed 10 minutes to watch Mr. Hotness himself break his own damn 200m backstroke record with total awesomeness. The Camdens are making me want to not vote. Fucking Camdens. Why do I watch this show again? Oh yes. To yell at the TV. That's my trancendental meditation.

fight your way out of this one

It recently occurred to me that maybe there is something odd about the fact that my new favorite mantra is what is being presumably said to a soldier's grave in a song that begins, "I'd pull my weight if it made any difference." That's all pretty fatalist. So does my optimistic spin on the line show that things are looking up in my sick mind, or does it just make me an idiot? Who can say?

In other news, "On to You" from the Constantines is like the best song ever, and why didn't anyone tell me sooner? I hate being the last to know. I look forward to being one of those who is the first to know again. I'm working on it.

full moon in the city and the night was young

Oh my God. Why is Samantha Fox so awesome? Every now and then I remember to put on VH1 Classic (like at 1AM, when I should be out reveling or something) and I am almost always so glad I did. First "Party Train" from the Gap Band (warning: singer in Speedo!) and now "Touch Me." Excellent. If I didn't know he was like 10 at the time, I'd swear El Fano directed this video.

I did go out tonight, actually. And it wasn't even painful at all. Which makes me think maybe I will go out to the Abbey for my birthday. At least there will be one person there who I like.

Oh man, "Dancing in the Sheets" from Shalimar came on, and I said, "Eew! Why is every song so dirty?!" And El Fano said, "Uh, because it is Saturday and it's one in the morning!!" Good enough.

So yeah. I had a nice evening. It ended early, but just on time, really, because more beer could have been problematic. And then I came home and watched the DVR of the swimming show (match? swim meet? what is it called?) to see my pretend boyfriend who looks 35 but who is 21.

This is a riveting story. I know.

Alright, so maybe now I go to sleep. You should come out for my birthday. I actually mistakenly just typed, "You should come over." That is not a good idea. Mostly because El Fano just said, "I wish they would play a Falco video right now." That is when you know it is time to go to your room.

got no place to go

ARGH! I don't know what to do for my birthday. Can't someone else plan this, please? I am a girl without a bar, a drunk without a home. This hasn't been the case since I was 18. I have no spot. I have no default meeting place. I have nowhere to go! So where do I go? Argh!

I think am going to go some places tonight to check them out, but I don't know how much luck I will have. Things always look better in magazines and on websites lately. They look good, I go, I hate them. Ugh.

Even I was thinking I would try Trash again, as I had fun there that one time, but Pilot to Gunner is playing on my birthday, and I think they are famous, so it will be too crowded, I would guess. I want to go somewhere that I don't have to listen to live music if I don't want to (Trash is good for this) and that we can sit down all together if we like, and can be loud if we like. I want cheap booze and good music and fun times. Why is it so hard?

let's stay in and we'll perfect our autographs

I don't know if you watch "Home Movies," but I do — well I did until it ended this April. Of course it ended. Everything I like ends. Anyway, I was needing to clear up my DVR for the insane fall season (after all, I have to DVR every episode of "Lost" and never watch it), and decided it was high time I burn season four of "Home Movies" on a DVD and wipe those 6.5 hours off the DVR.

Anyway, as I was saying, I don't know if you watch the show, or if you know who Walter & Perry are, but today, after watching 13 episodes mostly all in a row, I realized the more I stay home and go nowhere and see no one, the more Dollie and I have become Walter and Perry. It's kind of scary and creepy, but kind of awesome. You're jealous. Admit it.

we may never be angels, but we're lousy with the spirit

Ooh! At first this morning I smelled a familiar smell. I wasn't sure what it was, but it had a vague burning sensation to it. Then I heard that unmistakable sound, and I realized -- the heat is on! I ran around and put my hand on all the radiators and felt the burn. It was awesome. And it isn't even that cold today. I was afraid, with all the energy hikes, that heat would be a little scarcer this winter, but not so far. Thank you, landlord. You are a good friend to have.

This also ushers in the beginning of the full-on fall (which means my birthday is soon, thank you) and coat weather. Sadly, too soon after that comes winter and "ACK! Will the bus ever come?!?!" and "If that wind blows in my face one more time, I'm pretty sure my nose is going to fall off," weather. But I'm going to just enjoy this for now.

Last night I had a dream that I was staying at this hotel (which was some kind of punk club with a hotel upstairs, and everytime you wanted to go in and out you had to recheck in, very annoying) where I ran into a rock star I know in the check-in lounge, and we sat and talked about babies and VHS tapes. Then in the elevator was my HS physics teacher. When I got upstairs, everyone was annoying me, and this one person (who is actually entirely excellent in real life) was telling me about how she had recently chosen to simplify her life and possessions, and as such threw out the birthday presents I had just given her that day. Evidently, I had worked really hard to make these presents, and I just kept saying, "But why didn't you just give them back?!" and everyone seemed to think that was a ridiculous idea. See, I should have stayed with Patrick and/or Mr. Cohen. Live and learn. Oh wait, it was a dream. Sleep and learn, I guess.

come and see me some time when you have no class

Poor Rodney Dangerfield. I will miss him. But probably not as much as my mom will. She even liked "Ladybugs." Enough to watch it way more than once. I was going to call her when I found out, but I'll let her hear in the morning.

For some reason (maybe because I was busy online?) this debate didn't make me hide behind a pillow in embarrassment the way the last one did. And it wasn't like I was embarrassed last time because my pick was doing badly (because he certainly was not), but because with the reaction shots, and repetition and all-around creepiness, it was all just so, well, embarrassing. I can't explain it. Obviously.

In other news, tonight Tom Brokaw and Tim Russert seem sober, which they certainly didn't appear to be post-debate last time. I have no proof, but I know what drunk looks like.

PS I love that crazy bitch Elton John more and more each day.

they are friends of mine, and they've got something ...

Last year at this time I was at a big fun party for nice fun people making a lovely and fun lifetime commitment! Yay! So yes, wedding. And an anniversary. They are magical things for magical people. And still no wedding presents sent. What a bitch, eh? But LOVE! Oh, so much love. I send it with my mind and my heart and my soul all day long, and I think they know it. 10-4, good buddy, you see. So you always remember. Well, I do.

it's the only way you'll ever know

You know, I wouldn't believe "The truck done hit her" if I hadn't seen it myself, and I started to wonder if I'd had an "episode," so I just opened the document and grammar checked it again, and lo and behold.

do you speak my language?

Oh. My. Jesus. I think I might have accidentally installed the redneck version of MS Word. Why? Well, because when I wrote "... she got hit by a truck," they suggested I replace it with, "... a truck done hit her." A TRUCK DONE HIT HER? What?! I have never said that in my life. And I'm not starting now.

On a more serious note, Northern Brooklyn and Southern Manhattan girls may be interested in RightRides.org, a free-ride-from-the-subway response to the increased attacks in the area. Via Lola. Thank you, lady.

naked pictures of your mother

I'm already getting a lot of hits for "Rachel Perry Playboy" and you know I found it online rather than buy the magazine (please). You can find it (and, it seems, other naked things) at Usenet Binaries.. I believe you have to register, but it is quick and painless. Good luck.

I also get a lot of Chris Murphy hits, including, "Chris Murphy Sloan address." I'm sorry, but I am not going to give you that, and what makes you think I even know it? I mean, I do, but I'm still not telling you. Anyway, were you going to just go to his house? People don't really like that.

Speaking of Sloan, the leadoff episode of "Degrassi: The Next Generation" (season 4!) played "Ready For You," like the whole song, right in the beginning when Spinner bought his car. So exciting.

Less exciting was the dream I had where I kissed Marco (who I don't even like that way, although in the dream, the guy was more Milo than Marco, which helps). Anyway, it was gross, because he was like 16, and I said, "You are very cute, but this is totally disgusting, so I will just give you one fast kiss." And that was a mistake, and then he told everybody. There was no explanation in the dream as to why I was hanging out with a 16-year-old boy. Let's hope I wasn't the teacher.

Oh, yeah. I'm supposed to be working.